Reach the Magnetic Men podcast. My name is Jerod Schoonmaker, your host and co-founder. This is podcast number three titled Dating during a Divorce. Navigating the Storm, if you will. I remember probably, oh, nine years ago, it might have been a little bit longer. I was going through a divorce and my ex or my soon to be ex wife at the time started dating. Well, I guess I would say fairly quickly, which leads to a lot of other questions that came up during that time, as if. Was that person always in the picture and maybe you're going through a divorce right now. And, you know, listen, 70% of all divorces are initiated by women and if they're college educated, it's 80%. So chances are good if you're going through a divorce and you're a man watching this, it probably was not your idea. Now, maybe it was, but I'm just going off of the statistics and the probability that the woman initiating the divorce is higher than a man in today's society. So the question comes up is what should you do while going through this process of divorce? This limbo stage where you really it could take up to a year, year and a half. My divorce actually took about a year and a half during the separation process to actually be resolved. And so during that time, she was dating a, you know, a new guy. And I was on, I guess, the fence about it early in the beginning. And so I just wanted to talk today about some of the pros and cons and then give you some perspective on my own, I guess, my own life story. And now that I am a coach specifically helping man navigate divorce, separation or a bad breakup, as some of the men that come in and get coaching from me give you some of their perspectives and kind of what I help coach them through. So this is the idea of when you're going through a divorce, you're technically still married and whatever you think about God and your vows and all that, we're going to pull that out of the picture. But on a legal sense, you're technically still married. And so the question comes up of while you're in this transitory stage of separation, is it a good idea? Well, my opinion and I'll expand on this a little bit later is it's probably not, but I'm going to go over some of the pros and the cons, so stick with me during this podcast. I am going to do a YouTube video on this same title, same YouTube channel, Magnetic Man Club, so I invite you to watch that as well. So without further ado, we're going to go over some of the pros of dating during a divorce and then obviously discuss some of the cons. So we're going to take it from the premise that you're actually going through the divorce. It was filed. You're not just living apart to see how the single life as some people do, that they kind of just take a break before they get, you know, the vultures, a.k.a. the divorce attorneys involved. But we're going to go through the premise that you're actually filed and you are possibly living someplace else. And we're going to start with there. So divorce is one of those difficult times in a man's life, because I know for me, I sort of felt that in the beginning that I failed. I sort of felt that what what are some of the things that I could have done better in my marriage? What are some of the things that maybe the signs that I was ignoring possibly that were there and probably there for a couple of years prior to, you know, separation slash divorce? And it did take me a little while to kind of work through that, kind of understand that, you know, sometimes, you know, marriages just don't last. Sometimes love and whatever the hell you want to call it, it's just not enough. You know, sometimes people just grow apart. We have different goals and ambitions, and that's okay. So you're going through a divorce and there's that's a big distraction and of itself. Again, you got attorneys. You got to file all this paperwork. Possibly kids are involved. So you're kind of splitting up their home life. They're confused, of course, and everybody is just confused in how the process starts. My whole my whole problem with marriage is the con the contract of it. It's a legal document. And, you know, it costs, what, 75 bucks to actually get a license to get married. And it costs thousands, if not tens of thousands of dollars to break that contract. So for me, as I say, no, I'm I'm choosing not to get married again because of how the state is just involved and you're basically up your ass. And they have this big club called Divorce that women can use oftentimes betters them, but why you're going through the divorce while you're you have some of those alone times where maybe you're at your new apartment or new house or ship. Maybe you got to move in with your parents. Again, I know a lot of guys that care afford to live on their own during the divorce process, and so they're forced to live with a friend or a family member. So I get that it can be a very lonely time. I get that during this time, you you kind of want to go out. You want to throw your proverbial hat in the ring and the dating market, getting on dating apps and and all of that stuff. And it can help you with the distraction of being of going through the divorce. I mean, they can definitely help you sort of forget about that for the evening or the weekend. But I often think that while you're going through this time, while you're going through all of this emotions, while you're, you know, sitting there kind of just like, what the fuck's going on? What's what's the next part of my life going to look like, distracting yourself with another female? Although it is a pro, I think it's more of a con because you're starting another relationship or the potential to start another relationship where you're not fully healed and recovered from your last relationship. And the last thing I want to do is get into another relationship with a woman and not take account of maybe some of the actions that I took that created this marriage or created this marriage to fail. And so it took me probably about six months of the separation before I even went out. I mean, I guess honestly, I was embarrassed. I was kind of just had that defeated look, especially when I found out that she got was in a relationship pretty early on. I would say within a couple of months of the separation, she was already into another relationship. So obviously that affected me. The the whole the whole idea of basically this woman that you spent years with between dating and marriage, I kind of felt like, how could she already be with somebody else? And the thought of them together sexually, I was just honestly, it took me like six months. I felt defeated. I felt, I guess in a way rejected. Maybe it was a good word. And so I had some things I need to work on. And I got into counseling during that time and I actually got into a life coaching program specifically for men going through the divorce. This gentleman has largely become my mentor and I broke off from him, oh, probably during COVID and started my own practice. So that's a little side note on how I actually got into this, because I do understand divorce. I do understand what it can do to a man's psyche. And so I don't want you to go through and make some of the mistakes I've made, but also some of the mistakes that my clients make. And then when they call me, we kind of have to work through those. So it is a good distraction, going out, becoming social, talking to girls, maybe dating them. I do understand the distraction of it, but it is a distraction. It is a way for you to sort of forget about what's going on currently. But it's also an excuse for you to not take account of maybe some of the actions you've done in the past that caused the divorce because look at whether it's your wife that filed for the divorce because she was cheating on you. It's your fault whether it's a bad business decision that you made. And because white women are hypervigilance by nature, it's not necessarily true that they stick with you in sickness and in health. Everybody looks out for themselves and so know it's your fault. The divorce is your fault. And by not admitting that, by not coming up to terms with that and not creating some actionable steps that you can use, that you can take with you to correct those men, your next relationship is going to be a carbon copy of this one. And I do see a lot of men who jump from one marriage. They get into a relationship literally with the next woman that even likes them. And within a year or so, they're in another marriage. And this is why 64% of all second marriages fail. It's largely due because you haven't learned from the mistakes of your first marriage. Most first marriages, it's about a 56% failure rate of first marriages. And you actually think that you would get it right And your second marriage. But that's not the case. 64% of those end in divorce. And if you're dumb enough to get into a third marriage, 74% of those end up in divorce. So a lot of this has to do with not learning from your mistakes, not becoming self aware of what's going on inside of you and not really having situational awareness of what's going on in your environment around you. So although the pro of dating during the divorce, it can help you with your distractions. It can help you kind of reconnect socially in building new circles, which would also help boost your self-esteem and your confidence. All of those things also are a pro. I invite you to take at least a six month hiatus from the time that the divorce was filed. Get into a good coaching program, get into a good therapist, get into a good group mentor. We have it on our Magnetic Men channel. We'll put the links down below and go to our website and subscribe to that, where we have a group of men who have been where you are, who are maybe even going through what you're going through. And some of the veterans can shed some some light, some insight on how they got through it and ultimately became more successful because of it. The other the other problem with dating during a divorce is this idea of the rebound relationship. Now, listen, I'm no angel. I've actually after my divorce, I started basically hovering around. After six months, I kind of made this decision where I knew I got married very young. I knew I had very my kids very young. I'm 48 now. My kids are largely grown and I kind of made a decision that I said, you know, I don't want to get into another long term relationship. I don't want to kind of feel trapped. And in a way, I guess my marriage, I did feel a little bit trapped. I did kind of feel like I really wasn't growing. I kind of you know, you're that typical family guy. You got to go to games you got to go to first. I was running a couple different businesses at this time, so I kind of became basically a male whore for a few years after my divorce. And it taught me a lot about female nature. It taught me a lot about, you know, how the modern day women think. I wouldn't know any of this. You know, I was married for 19 years while I was dating and married for 19 years. So I didn't understand this new dating dynamic. I had no idea. And so during that six month hiatus, I got a therapist to help me deal with maybe some internal issues I was going through. But I also got really it wasn't a pickup artist. It was just a dating and relationship coach to kind of help me understand what I was about to get into and how this new this new dating market was vastly different than the dating market when I went through. Remember, I'm 48. We didn't really have social media when I was a lot younger. There was no TikTok, there was no Instagram, there's no Facebook, none of that crap. I think there might have been MySpace, if you remember that. And so I wanted to be prepared. I wanted to kind of understand what was going on out there. So although it was a pro, you know, after my six months of going out and starting to date, I armed myself. I really got on a good understanding, a good education on what's out there, what women expect from men these days. And I didn't want to fall into that trap that I see so many guys basically jumping from one relationship into another one and not learning from their past mistakes. So to me, again, taking that six months to yourself, learning a little bit about you, figuring out some of the mistakes that you made, have no problem going out socializing, but don't go out socializing for only the benefit of picking up women. Maybe reconnect with your buddies, maybe reconnect with your family members, learning new hobbies is always a good thing to kind of distract yourself from this situation of separation and divorce. I have no problem with all that. I think all that is healthy. I think picking up again some some self-improvement books, I think getting back into the gym, if maybe your physical health has deteriorated while you're divorced, most guys get overweight, most women get overweight. So getting back in the gym obviously will make you feel better or make you look better so that when you're ready to go out there into the dating world, you're going to look your best self. I also don't have a problem with you upgrading your the way you dress, maybe creating a new image for yourself. All of those things are positive. I would just invite you to stop for a minimum of six months. Even worrying about dating women, you should be worrying about your own emotional and mental health at this point and creating a new blueprint for your life going forward because you're not going to be with this person anymore. You might have kids with them and obviously this person, this woman's always going to be in your life, or at least until they're 18, but really they're always going to be in your life. And so you might be better you might be pissed off about the divorce, you might be spiteful in a way. And so you may go out and make some really bad decisions just to piss her off, and you may end up getting somebody pregnant. You may end up getting into a situation where you are making your own current situation much worse. And full transparency about sex. Once after my divorce, I started dating a married woman and the sex was amazing. Her husband was never around. She did file for divorce. But here's the catch. She ended up going back to him. And this is the other part of divorce. Just because you filed for divorce doesn't mean those to you, doesn't mean you're never going to get back together with your ex. What it means is it's a legal process to end the contract. I've seen a lot of couples file for divorce get into quasi new relationships, even though those relationships really have no chance to succeed until the divorce is done. Because, again, you're still technically married, but they reconcile, realizing that, yeah, the dating world sucks out there or we don't want to break up the family and they get back together. And now there's two other people who have feelings for your ex and this girl has feelings for you. And now you sort of just they became your rebound. And I was in that position. I was her rebound and it hurt me because I really cared for this girl. I really thought, here's here's me thinking again. I really thought that we could have had a really amazing future together. But I always think everything works out in the end. And as I've coached men going through this, as I've coached even women going through this, I realized that that rebound, that sort of rebound will happen to you. And I never want to be the effect of somebody else's misery. And so I would just caution you again, wait, a minimum of six months, learn about you, learn about the things that you do not want in a new relationship. Learn about the things that you can do better in a relationship and really just take that time to love yourself up, can get into a good coaching program, maybe get into some therapy if there's a lot of issues or traumas from your past that are now surfacing, that's really where a therapist can help you. But all of the other things about becoming social reconnect, eating with friends, reconnecting with family is getting into, you know, maybe some new hobbies, some new passions, heck, maybe even starting a new side business. All of those things are healthy distraction signs for you that will help you level yourself up to help you learn new skills and ultimately help you with a new social circle. So that's enough about the pros of of of the dating. And I've kind of mixed the pros with the cons. One of the biggest cons, too, is we touched upon that a little bit is the legal complications. Now, I know most states now have no fault divorce, so it doesn't really matter what happens, but there are some states out there where if you start dating a woman and your wife is very spiteful, she can clog up this legal machine and and add infidelity. She may start weaponizing the children against you. She does not want this new girl around her kids. You got to remember, during a divorce, she has literally the entire government behind her. The judges mostly are women. They're all women. They're pro mom. So the last thing I want you to do is start dating a girl that you really care for. And now your wife, because you're your soon to be ex-wife, becomes jealous and she makes the process that much harder, that much longer, and ultimately is going to cost you that much more money. So that's it. That's probably the biggest con about dating during the divorce. So you really want to think about that. Maybe you're in a situation now where where this is happening, where you found somebody and you think, you know, this girl's pretty amazing and then you're you know, you're separated, wife finds out and all hell is about to break loose. So it just complicates your life by waiting for that divorce to be officially over. You don't have to worry about any of that. You've cleared the table on that. We talked a little bit more about emotional baggage that you can bring into your new relationship. Often, guys, when they come to me, their divorce is already final, but they're having a problem or having a hard time connecting to new women, new experiences because they haven't really healed or brought to light the emotional baggage that divorce brought upon them. But really what happened prior to the divorce? So we have to work through a lot of those limiting beliefs in order for them to create new thoughts that can create new habits, new ideas that can obviously create new insights into their life. So that's most of the time when men find me is when they're done with their divorce and they're having problems kind of getting back out there and dating and socializing again. Of course, when you have your emotional baggage bringing into a new relationship, it also means you're not emotionally ready. Yeah, you might talk to this new woman about what's going on legally. Oh, my gosh, she's doing this. She's doing that, and she's not going to let me see the kids. This weekend. We had a planned event and now she's saying no and all that. So you're adding all of this negativity into the new relationship. And if I was the woman in this relation ship, the new woman, I would start questioning this like you keep bringing it up. I understand divorce is difficult, but you don't seem to be able to let it go. So if you're always bringing up all the negative going on in your life, it means you're not emotionally ready to even enter into another relationship. So that's why I keep saying six months is kind of that golden. It could be longer, but six months of abstinence, six months of just not worrying about it is really your best playbook for navigating through this divorce. Remember, you're the most important person in this process. You can only control you. You can't control your actions doing. You can't control what their family's doing. You can't control it. Your family's doing. All you can do is control you. And so by giving new tools and new insights is only going to help you. Whatever they're doing in their life, it's either a positive for them or a negative, but it has really nothing to do with you. So we're going to transition just a little bit into some of the whether we want to call it here. So you're going to wait six months, you're going to get into some type of a program, whether it's a men's management mentorship program, coaching therapy, you're getting out there socializing and with your friends and your family again and doing new hobbies, all of that stuff is now that the divorce is final. Now this is where you've come out legally. You have no obligation to the marriage. You have an obviously an obligation to your kids and maintenance and all this, but you have no obligation to the marriage. You have a fresh start. This is the time where now you can start exploring some of those options of dating. Maybe you've even started talking to women prior to this, maybe even starting to date them. But don't bring them out until the divorce is finalized. Don't bring them out to you. It's just going to complicate your life. I wouldn't even have your kids be around them until you know this is a woman that you want to have in your life long term. You shouldn't even really be bringing your kids into this. A lot of guys that come to me are serial daters, and that's fine. But what's not fine is they bring their children in like, Hey, I met Becky, we dated twice. You want to meet my kids, Your kids get confused. They're like, Fuck, Dad. I was Becky Now, Heather, now, Sara, keep your kids out of it. Your kids don't need to know about your love life until there's this new woman that you really care about. You want to bring her into your life. If they're just casual flings, keep your kids out of it. That's just a side note on this. But so your divorce is final. You've done all the work and now you're starting to gain clarity about yourself. What you want in this new relationship. Hey, like I said, if you want to just go out and casually date for a while, that's fine. If you want to jump into another relationship, that's fine. No value judgment here. You've gotten the clarity, you know what you want, and now you have some of the tools and insights and you figured out maybe some of the things you've done wrong in your relationships. You don't spill over and taxify this new relationship. You've avoided those legal complications. So that's obviously a pro and you spent the time focusing on your emotional health and your personal growth and you devote your devoted some time for this self-discovery and your interests. So now's the time where you can go out and kind of feel good about yourself, kind of feel good about the growth that you've made, you've gotten the clarity and you've avoided rebounds, you've avoided hurting another woman that only distracted you during the divorce. But nine times out of ten, that's not the woman that you're going to be with. And so you've avoided hurting another woman during this process. So that is also a very good pro in my book. Listen, we talk a lot here about men's excellence. We talk about masculinity on this show. We talk about emotional health and being what I call a full stack man means all of that. You are completely self-aware of your own emotional needs. You're completely self-aware of maybe your kids and you're situationally aware of the circumstances. You're not being a man who's consuming women for your own needs. And this is a lot of times, again, when guys come to me, they become serial daters and they're not really understanding or really caring about the women that maybe their love bombing, maybe they're saying things they shouldn't say during this relationship, really not meaning it. And you're destroying basically another woman who has done nothing to you. So if you can take that six months, if you can really work through some of these past traumas, if you can gain new insights, new experiences, figure out who you are now in this man, in this new season of your life. I promise you, if you can do these and just take that time, you're going to come out on the other end much more positive with new skill sets, and you're going to be able to carry your head held high knowing that you did things the right way. You didn't just jump into another relationship and only to realize in a year or two you're in basically the same relationship you were with your wife. Only it's a new woman. You're two or three years into it. You realize you don't even love this girl and now you have to. And that relationship, it's all because you haven't done the work early on. You haven't self-discovery yet. So as a magnetic man, as a man who is full stack, that's what you need to do is you need to have that clarity, you need to have that self-discovery. And this is why I say I would not date during your divorce for a minimum of six months. If you have any questions on this, please feel free to contact us. Go to our website. www.MagneticMenClub.com book a free consultation with me. We'll spend about an hour together talking about again, if you're going through a divorce or separation or you're thinking about filing for divorce, maybe you're also a guy who has been divorced and needs some help understanding this new dating market. Maybe a guy who really hasn't had a very good track record on a healthy relationship. I can also help with that. My name is Jerod Schoonmaker. This is the Magnetic Men Podcast. Thank you for listening and we will talk to you soon.